


I Still go a Little Bit Crazy Sometimes, but Now I Don't Stay Near as Long

by dancingsweetheart129



Category: DCU (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Superboy (Comics), Young Justice (Comics)
Genre: Borderline Insanity, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Tim isn't doing well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 11:28:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17807153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancingsweetheart129/pseuds/dancingsweetheart129
Summary: He was waiting it out from his lookout spot, in a different suit. He couldn’t wear the red and black, it would stick out like a sore thumb. He liked it for the cover of night but snow was his enemy on covert operations.Tim was laying on his belly in the snow, the cold kept out by his thermal suit, and glaring at the building across the street from his vantage point. He couldn’t see inside, obviously, but his night vision lenses were helping.Until he swore he saw a flash of red against that green.He switched his lenses to normal vision, and saw nothing red except for a woman’s coat, but through his night lenses that shouldn’t be red. Maybe he’d been awake too long.





	I Still go a Little Bit Crazy Sometimes, but Now I Don't Stay Near as Long

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [故人远去，疯狂依旧](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18561427) by [TimothyWithConner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimothyWithConner/pseuds/TimothyWithConner)



> I had a thought and ran with it for three hours so I hope everyone likes it!

Losing Conner had been the hardest thing Tim had to go through. More so than his parents, he thought.

Because it was actually making him go crazy.

Dick had wanted him to get help, and for once, Tim took his advice. He couldn’t talk about everything, obviously, but going to a highly-recommended therapist to talk about losing his best friend and how to cope with that wasn’t the worse idea.

Tim had told Dr. Warner that he was just a casualty in Gotham, it wasn’t like people in Gotham didn’t die all the time. With all of the villains around, it was an easy lie. And he’d told her that he saw it, had cried over his body on the street.

Close enough to the truth that she could help him.

Or so he thought.

Dr. Warner told him that his friend was never really gone, that Tim carried memories of him forever and carried him in his heart and all that junk that Tim had heard from everyone.

But after talking to Dr. Warner, he had starting seeing Conner. Everywhere.

It started when he missed an appointment to go follow a case in New Mexico, Albuquerque, specifically. In January, which wouldn’t be a problem, except that it was during one of the rare snow storms.

He was waiting it out from his lookout spot, in a different suit. He couldn’t wear the red and black, it would stick out like a sore thumb. He liked it for the cover of night but snow was his enemy on covert operations.

Tim was laying on his belly in the snow, the cold kept out by his thermal suit, and glaring at the building across the street from his vantage point. He couldn’t see inside, obviously, but his night vision lenses were helping.

Until he swore he saw a flash of red against that green.

He switched his lenses to normal vision, and saw nothing red except for a woman’s coat, but through his night lenses that shouldn’t be red. Maybe he’d been awake too long.

_You’re running on empty, man_

Tim squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get Conner’s voice out of his head. He had to keep focused, he couldn’t start doing this now.

But when he opened them, he swore he saw Conner standing down on the street corner, leaned against the lamp pole, waiting for a bus or something in the blizzard. The idiot who wore a t-shirt in the middle of a snow storm.

When he blinked again, the vision was gone.

He was tired. He wouldn’t stay much longer

* * *

 

The next time it happened he was driving through Arizona, helping Jason with something. They were in the middle of the desert, looking for a secret layer.

Why did bad guys always pick such impractical spots for layers? What was wrong with a regular old basement or a penthouse or something?

It was blistering hot, but Jason assured him they were close.

“No offense, Jason, but this field trip sucks,” Tim panted, pausing to throw his backpack down on the shifty sand. He needed a water bottle and a break.

“Fine, next time I’ll call Roy,” Jason rolled his eyes, stopping when he saw Tim rooting through the bag. “Toss me one.”

Tim did, throwing a bottle to Jason and getting one for himself. The water was cold in the insulated pack, which was nice. They didn’t want to alert anyone by driving through this hell, so they decided to walk, but boy was that a shitty option. Tim finished half of his bottle before tucking it back into his backpack.

“Gotta pee,” Tim said, leaving the bag open for Jason to put his bottle away too.

“I’m going to look over the map again anyways,” Jason mumbled, pulling the folded up piece of paper from his pocket and laying it out on the hot sand.

Tim hurried over to the cactus he saw nearby. He’d had like two water bottles prior, and it was better to not head to a villainous headquarters having to pee. He unzipped his short, looking out over the desert. It was probably the most boring setting imaginable because it was just sand with the occasional cactus everywhere. Even just out in the middle of the ocean was better because yeah, it was just water everywhere, but at least there were sea creatures and the sounds of the water.

Here it was just hot. Hot wind. Hot sand. Hot sun.

Tim zipped up his shorts, humming to himself. It wasn’t until after he saw Conner that he remembered the tune as one of Kon’s favorite songs.

_Come on, Rob, this song rocks. You have the music taste of an old man, let me help._

He was dancing, well not _dancing_ dancing, it was Conner dancing. He never cared that he looked like an idiot dancing, gyrating his hips like Elvis and popping his chest and making dumb faces. It always made Tim laugh.

Not that time.

In fact, Tim back-pedaled so fast that he tripped over his own feet and fell to the sand. He scrambled back even further, letting out some kind of distressed noise that he couldn’t hear over the pounding of his heart.

“Whoa, kid, what happened?”

Jason came running over to him, crouching beside him.

“There, there,” Tim managed, reaching up to point out at the desert where-

There was nothing.

“I-I saw-“ Tim panted, trying to catch his breath.

“I think you’re starting to hallucinate from the heat,” Jason said, handing him his water bottle. “Let’s just sit for a minute, okay?”

“No, but Jason, I,” Tim shook his head, he knew he saw Conner. He did. “I saw something.”

“There’s nothing there, Tim,” Jason furrowed his brows. “You’re looking really pale, drink some of that water.”

Tim nodded, taking a few small sips. It probably was the heat, it was known to happen in the desert. A mirage was a perfectly reasonable explanation.

* * *

 

It was absolutely not a mirage when he was in California.

Cassie wanted to see him, she was having a really hard time with everything too. They met in Monterey for dinner, and it was nice. They laughed about things that Conner did, they laughed at themselves. It was really a nice change of pace.

Tim was the one who suggested they go down to the boardwalk and get some ice cream, and looking back, he almost wished he hadn’t.

They were standing on the boardwalk, feeling the sea breeze and watching the sunset. It was really peaceful, and for once, everything felt alright. Tim was shoveling cookies and crème frozen yogurt into his mouth when Cassie touched his shoulder.

When he turned, she was leaning in to place a soft peck on his lips.

Tim blinked when she pulled away, not sure what to do for a moment.

Then he was leaning in to kiss her properly, eyes closed and everything.

He didn’t know what it meant, but he did like Cassie a lot. Maybe more than a friend, he wasn’t entirely sure at that moment. He had a bit of a brain freeze so he couldn’t think perfectly straight.

When they broke again, he glanced over her shoulder and saw Kon standing there, rubbing the back of his neck. He looked Tim dead in the eye with a small pout, then turned his gaze to the sunset.

Tim gasped.

He took a few steps back dropping his frozen yogurt to the boardwalk, and his hands started shaking. That _had_ to be Conner, that was his puppy dog face. How could Tim do that to him, kiss Cassie behind his back? What kind of best friend did that?

“Tim?” Cassie asked, furrowing her brows. Tim pointed behind her with a shaking hand, and she looked quickly over her shoulder before turning her puzzled look back to him.

Tim blinked, shook his head, and he was gone.

“No, no, you have got to be kidding me,” Tim mumbled, reaching up to hold his head. He was getting a headache.

“Tim, what is it?” Cassie asked, taking a cautious step forward. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No!” Tim said, shaking his head. “No, no, Cassie, it’s not you, I-I just-“

“Tim, what’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” She said, taking another step forward, and Tim backed up one. Maybe he looked that way because he did. That had to be it, he was seeing a ghost.

“I have to go,” Tim decided. He had to get back to the tower and do some meditating or something to clear his head. “I’m sorry, Cassie.”

“Tim-“ She said, taking another step forward, but then he was turning and running away from her.

* * *

 

He had tried telling someone, but how embarrassing? And he didn’t want to tell anyone about this until he knew what it was. Was he seeing Kon’s ghost or was he just crazy? He never felt more like a Shakespeare character in his life, which was really saying something because his whole life was a drama.

Bruce had sent him to Georgia for a conference one weekend, and Tim hadn’t seen Kon in weeks. He also hadn’t seen Cassie in weeks, which he felt really bad about. He had told her he was just having trouble, feeling guilty about kissing her, felt like he was betraying Conner.

She understood, said he could take all the time he needed.

The conference was great, but so boring. Tim’s favorite thing about out of town conferences was getting lost in a new place. Not that it was ever new, but he didn’t fear walking around by himself to find a little mom-and-pop restaurant to eat alone and bask in the feeling of not being a persona for a while.

This particular place sold pie, and the waitress convinced him that it was a local favorite. He ordered one, despite not liking pie a ton. The restaurant sat at the front of a field of peach trees, and while chatting with the woman she informed him that they grow it for all of their pie fillings, jams, and peach teas.

“What’d I tell ya?” She asked when she came to clear the dessert plate.

“That was wonderful, Lane, thank you for the suggestion,” Tim said politely. “And I’ll check out the shop in the front as well. I’m sure my family would enjoy some of the sweets.”

“I’ll bring ya your check, Hun,” She said with a big smile, sauntering her way past him towards the kitchen.

Tim turned to gaze out the window, saw two young men with baskets pulling ripe peaches from the trees. Maybe he would just buy a few fresh peaches, they looked wonderful.

But then he saw Conner by himself at another tree, pulling a peach down and taking a bite of it.

“Oh, not here,” Tim groaned, putting his head in his hands, pushing the heels of them into his eyes. He didn’t want to be bothered by this here, he was supposed to be enjoying solitude. There wasn’t even an excuse anymore, cold, hot, guilt, he wasn’t feeling any of it.

“Everything alright, Sweetie?”

Tim looked up and saw Lane, setting his check on the table and eyeing him with concern.

“Yes, I’m fine,” Tim nodded, reaching for his wallet and slapping a fifty on the table. “Thanks so much again.”

He was quick to hurry from his booth, hoping the generous tip would keep the waitress distracted from the man on his way to a mental breakdown.

But he had promised her he would look at the shop.

And look he did, grabbing one of their pies, frozen, from a stand-up freezer, a jar of jam, and a singular peach from the basket of them on the counter.

Tim was walking back to his hotel when he took a bite of the peach, and when he did, he imagined Kon’s grin with juice running down his chin. He always was a messy eater.

* * *

 

He still felt bad about Cassie, so he invited her to his ‘work weekend’ in South Carolina.

Tim had told Bruce that he was going for two reasons, to work a theory with Cassie for a Titans case, and because WE was buying a small test-lab there and he wanted to check it out.

So there was a third reason. Bruce didn’t need to know.

Cassie had walked through the test-lab with him, and they declared the building fit for technological work. Then they did follow up on a lead for a case, but it ran cold pretty quickly.

Which meant that for the rest of the weekend, they could just relax.

“Thanks for inviting me out here, Tim,” Cassie said as they walked hand-in-hand down the beach. It was pretty busy, kids running around and parents chasing them with sunscreen, but Tim put them out of his mind.

“I wanted to apologize for how I was acting,” Tim said, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. “I’ve been having a hard time since, well, you know.”

“I do,” Cassie nodded. “Tim, I loved, love, Conner, but we can’t just stop living because he’s gone.”

“I know,” Tim nodded, looking up when he saw someone in rolled up jeans and bare feet. Who wore jeans to the beach?

Conner.

Tim saw him standing up straight, looking at a seashell he had found in the sand. When he saw Tim, he waved and gave him a smile.

_I think this is a sand dollar. Cool._

“Oh, God, not again,” Tim groaned, squeezing his eyes shut. “Are you fucking serious?”

“Tim? What’s wrong?” Cassie asked, bringing her other hand to grasp at his arm. “What is it?”

“You just have to be fucking with me at this point,” Tim growled, finally opening his eyes and seeing that Conner was gone.

“What?” Cassie asked, looking around at one of the moms who gave them a dirty look, presumably for the swearing. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m losing my mind,” Tim decided, letting go of Cassie’s hand and stalking up the beach towards the parking lot and his rental car.

“Tim what is going on with you?” Cassie asked as she followed. Tim tore open the car door and flopped into the driver’s seat, waited for Cassie to catch up.

“I’ve been seeing Conner,” Tim admitted, leaning forward to rest his head on the steering wheel.

“Huh?”

“I’ll look up, and there he is. It doesn’t matter where I am, what environmental factors, and the only explanation is that I’m crazy,” Tim said, turning to look at the blonde in his passenger seat.

“Is that what happened in-“

“Yes. It happened in California, it happened in Arizona, and in New Mexico. I think I’m losing my mind,” Tim explained, before remembering Georgia, but he didn’t feel the need to mention another place he had a lapse in mental soundness.

“What is he usually doing?” Cassie asked after they were quiet for a few minutes.

“You name it,” Tim scoffed. “Picking fruit, doing his dorky dancing, finding sand dollars. Sometimes I hear him.”

“Like hear him, hear him?” Cassie asked, eyes widening.

“No, I hear him in my head,” Tim mumbled. “If I do hear him speak, it’s something I’ve heard him say before.”

“Then maybe you’re just seeing memories, Tim,” Cassie said, reaching over to put a hand on his knee. “Maybe you should talk to me about them.”

Tim nodded before spilling a story about memory after memory. Funny ones, sad ones, stupid ones, just Conner ones. After he told her as many as he could, they returned to the hotel and he gave her a goodnight kiss before returning to his room.

* * *

 

Tim had wanted to go visit the Kents, but he took it back as soon as he hit the expressway in Oklahoma.

Of course, of course it was only just a matter of time.

Tim was driving through the prairie when he saw someone beside him, and he didn’t even need to look to know who it was.

“Why? Why do you keep doing this to me?” Tim asked, more to his brain than anyone else.

_Ouch. Nice to see you too, Rob._

“Shut up, Conner,” Tim groaned. “What is this? Is it payback for going out with Cassie? Is it me losing my mind? Should I drive myself to a mental hospital?”

_Geez, over dramatic, much? Just wanted to hang out with my pal._

“This isn’t hanging out, Conner,” Tim growled. “You’re dead! Don’t you get that? Leave me alone!”

Tim blinked rapidly for a moment before he thought it best to pull over before his anger got the best of him.

When he finally looked over at the passenger seat, Kon was gone.

“Fuck me,” Tim groaned, running a hand through his hair.

* * *

 

By the time Tim went on his W.E. trip to Dallas, he fully expected it.

The little office he was in wasn’t much, but there was plenty of room for his crazy to come out in the form of Conner sitting on the desk, flipping through a file when he walked in on Monday morning.

“Are you kidding me right now?” Tim asked, and Kon looked up, flashed him a grin.

_Your work is so boring, dude._

“Yeah, well if it’s so boring, then leave,” Tim snarked, shutting the door and striding over to his desk. “I don’t have time to deal with you today.”

_Can’t. Nothing better to do._

“Oh, so this little visit is just to bug me,” Tim scoffed, sitting down in his desk chair. “No, now I’ve really lost it. You’re not real, I’m talking to myself.”

_Rude._

“No, I’m not doing this right now,” Tim growled, screwing his eyes shut and taking a few deep breaths. When he opened them, Conner was gone and just the file was sitting where he was previously.

* * *

 

It was the final straw when Tim was driving towards Bludhaven and saw Kon flying in front of his car. He was already tired, it was late, it was raining and he swerved because he thought he was going to hit someone until he realized it was just a figment of his imagination.

“Fuck!” Tim shouted, pulling his car over onto the side of the expressway. He couldn’t do this anymore, he was going absolutely nuts.

He couldn’t stop his tears from coming this time, letting them fall from his eyes and down into his jeans to soak into the material covering his thighs.

He missed Conner so, so much. More than anyone he’d ever lost. His relationship with Cassie was short lived because he just couldn’t handle it. Losing Conner was the worst thing that could have happened to his sensitive psyche.

He jumped slightly when someone knocked on the car window. Luckily the rain was letting up to just a sprinkle now.

Once the window rolled down, Tim saw a police officer with a flashlight shining into the car.

“Everything okay in here?” He asked, and Tim sniffled.

“Yes, I’m sorry, Officer,” Tim mumbled, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve.

“You been drinking tonight? I saw you swerve back there,” The man asked.

“No, sir, I’m just having a very rough night,” Tim said.

“Hm,” The man nodded. “You fit to be driving this late?”

“I-I don’t think so,” Tim shook his head. Not when he was crying and shaking and having a mental break down.

“You got someone we can call to come get you?”

“Yeah, my, uh, my brother,” Tim nodded, reaching for his cell phone. He found his last message to Dick and just hit call, putting the phone on speaker.

_“Tim? You on your way?”_

“Dick, I need you to come pick me up,” Tim said with a sniff. “I’m on I-75 between the exits for Washington and Moore streets.”

_“Is everything okay?”_

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Tim nodded, wiping at his eye as he felt another tear fall. “I just don’t think I should be driving right now.”

_“Alright, I’m on my way. Hang tight, kiddo. Love you.”_

“Love you too,” Tim said before hanging up the phone. “I’m sorry again, Officer.”

“Everything alright, Son?” The officer asked, and Tim paused for a moment before shaking his head. “What’s going on?”

“I’m just having a hard time lately,” Tim said, looking up to try and keep his tears at bay. “I lost my best friend to an attack in Gotham and I’m just not handling it very well.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” The officer said. “Will you be alright here until your brother picks you up?”

Tim took a deep breath, glancing out at the overpass and the road below.

“No,” Tim shook his head. “I think you should stay.”

“Alright, Kid, if you’re sure,” The officer nodded, leaning against the outside of the car.

By the time Dick showed up, both Tim and the officer were sitting on the back of his car, on top of the trunk. It was Jason’s bike, and both of Tim’s older brothers got off of the motorcycle behind the cop car.

“Next time you ride bitch, keep your fucking head off of my fucking shoulder,” Jason growled at the older one.

“Dick!”

Tim perked up at the sight of his older brothers, and Dick came running over, still in his cop uniform. He also felt himself crumple, and tears forming in his eyes again.

“Tim, what happened?” Dick asked, welcoming the boy into his arms and cradling his head against his chest.

“I saw him swerve and pull over, thought I’d check on him,” The officer said. “You’ll drive him home?”

“Of course, thank you,” Dick nodded at the officer as Jason came around the car to stand with them on the side of the expressway.

“What’s wrong with him?” Jason asked, furrowing his brows. Tim mumbled something into Dick’s chest, and the older two exchanged a look.

“You’ve gotta speak up, Kiddo, I can’t hear you,” Dick said, and Tim stepped back a little, wiping at his eyes.

“I miss Conner,” Tim sobbed. “I can’t do this anymore, Dick, make it better.”

“Oh, oh, oh,” Dick cooed, pulling Tim in for another hug. Even Jason put a hand on his back, looking around like someone was going to see him care just a little for a second. “Okay, I understand now. Let’s get you home, okay?”

“Okay,” Tim nodded, sniffling as he started towards the car.

“You need anything?” Jason asked, raising a brow. “I was on my way back to Gotham when Dick said he needed a ride to you. I could grab you something from the manor or-“

“No, but thank you,” Tim mumbled.

“Alright, be good,” Jason said, giving him a pat on the back before retreating to his bike.

“Let’s get off the side of the expressway, okay?” Dick asked, leading Tim back to the car.

* * *

 

Tim was asleep in Dick’s guestroom, and he could faintly hear the television in the living room. He curled up tighter, relishing in the feeling of strong arms around his waist.

Wait.

Tim opened his eyes and looked down, saw muscular arms wrapped around his waist. When he looked over his shoulder, saw Conner’s peaceful face, his bare shoulders and torso. He was snoring softly, and Tim could almost feel his breath on the back of his neck.

“Oh, god,” Tim breathed, his heart constricting in his chest. He tried to lean back into the embrace, wanted desperately to feel the insane heat radiating from Conner, to feel his heartbeat, to feel his nose nuzzling into his neck.

He let out a few tears, because he just _couldn’t._ He couldn’t feel anything like that, only the cool sheets around his legs and the warm pillow beneath his cheek.

“Dick,” He whined, knowing that the older was still awake in the living room. He needed someone real to sit with him.

“Tim?”

Dick poked his head into the room for a moment before hurrying in and turning on the bedside lamp.

“I thought you were asleep,” Dick said, sitting on the bed beside him. Tim flopped over, rested his head in Dick’s lap and wrapped his arms around his waist. “What is it, bud?”

“I loved Conner,” Tim mumbled, nuzzling Dick’s thigh. “And I didn’t even realize it.”

“Oh, bud,” Dick sighed, playing with Tim’s hair. “We’ll get through this, okay? I know it’s really hard right now.”

“I keep see him,” Tim cried, not caring that he was soaking Dick’s pajama pants with tears. “I think missing him is making me go crazy.”

“No, Tim, you’re not going crazy,” Dick cooed, wiping his cheek. “You’re just having your first broken heart on top of losing your best friend. That’s a tough combo, kiddo.”

Tim nodded, relishing in the feeling of a warm body next to him. He let out a few more sobs.

“Shh,” Dick shushed him. He started humming, kept playing with Tim’s hair until Tim fell asleep again.

* * *

 

Tim and Dick were out on patrol the next time, which made it worse because now Dick would have to see him break down again.

“No, this is not fucking happening this time,” Tim growled at the Conner floating above the rooftop.

“Tim,” Dick hissed.

“Uh, what’s going on, Rob?” Conner asked, landing on the rooftop and raising a brow.

“I’m not letting myself see you anymore. You’re driving me nuts and I can’t take it anymore!” Tim shouted at him, and Kon furrowed his brows. “Leave me alone.”

“What are you talking about, dude?” Kon stepped forward a bit.

“Get away from me!” Tim yelled, reaching out to push him. Kon didn’t move, because he was a wall of steel, but also because he was a wall of steel.

“Tim, I see him too,” Dick said, and Tim’s eyes widened. He hooked his thumbs under his cowl and pushed it off of his head, his hair falling free as he stared at the hard chest in front of him.

“Am I missing something?” Kon asked, looking over at Dick. “Hello, I’m alive, I wanted to come see you. Thought you’d be happy to see me.”

“Kon?” Tim asked, looking up at him with his eyes swimming.

“Uh, yeah,” Kon nodded.

“Conner!” Tim lunged forward, throwing his arms around Kon in what would be a bone crushing hug on a human being.

“That’s more what I was expecting,” Kon chuckled, putting an arm around Tim’s back.

“Glad to have you back, Conner,” Dick said, nodding in his direction with a smile before swinging off. Kon saluted him with two fingers and watched him go before he heard Tim sniffling against his chest.

“Tim?” Kon asked, and Tim stepped back, pulling off his gloves to wipe at his eyes.

“Sorry, sorry,” He said, waving it off. “Just a little overwhelmed.”

“Didn’t mean to spring my living on you, dude,” Kon chuckled, and Tim laughed too despite the tears. “I came right here after the farm.”

“Kon, you have no idea what I’ve been going through without you,” Tim said, stuffing his gloves in his belt. “I’ve been going insane.”

“Tim-“

“I was hallucinating all the time, and seeing you at random anywhere I went.”

“Tim-“

“It got so bad that I thought about maybe-“

“Tim.” Kon stressed, finally catching the shorter’s attention. Kon shook his head, reaching out to take Tim’s face in his hands and leaning in to kiss him.

It was exactly what Tim had been hoping for, the best case scenario after the worst case scenario. It was over way too soon, and Tim was choking out sob after sob, his emotions running too high.

“Hey, what is it?” Kon asked, still holding his face. “Too much? Not okay?”

“No, no it was very okay,” Tim reassured him. “Kon, I missed you so much.”

“Missed you too, Tim,” Kon whispered, leaning in to kiss his forehead. “You got anywhere important to be?”

“No,” Tim shook his head. Patrol wasn’t important right now.

“Let’s go somewhere and talk,” Kon suggested, and Tim nodded, let himself be picked up and carried to the manor.


End file.
